I started this post a couple of times. I started out complaining, trying to make sense of the bad parts of the year. Got annoyed, so I tried to spin it positive. Made a timeline and a bunch of lists of the most pivotal moments. Both posts were deleted. They felt fake, they didn’t feel like me.
It boils down to: I fucked up this year, but I still changed a lot so it’s not all gone to shit.
Picture me freshly graduated, working in an office that put me through the last years of college with a boss that doesn’t care about his company. I did not line up a job in my degree-field-of-choice but a week into January I was scheduled for Jury Duty and I quit.
A little while later my mom left to Russia for a few months so I was pretty busy until May, struggling through a simulation of single mother life: taking care of the home and my little sister with PDD, and covering my mom’s babysitting job. I was used to sleeping in until the afternoon at the time so I snuck in a bunch of naps, stress eating, stress smoking, and drinking throughout the day. Other attempts of self medication were getting a tattoo, getting an eyebrow piercing, dying my hair pink (again), and planning to escape to Chicago upon my mother’s return.
In May my intentions were pure: I wanted to find a job as a server, barback, bartender. I spent a small percentage of my time searching and most of my time editing a short film, writing, and trying to distract myself from realizing I was miserable. So passed June, and July, and my mom brought me back to reality: don’t look for a job until after August, since she was planning to leave for another three weeks.
September rolls around and success: I got a job as a server! Finally had some money, was paying off my Crazy Credit Card Charges, went on vacation to Washington where I fell in love with how the west coast lives and started to once again dream up an escape. Too bad the server job sucked and I wasn’t payed hourly so once I started making $5 an hour from tips instead of at least minimum wage I quit in October. Searched for new work for a bit, got another reality check from my mom: look for a job in the new year. What?? She’s spending Christmas with her dad in Russia since it’s his birthday and she’ll be back New Years.
And that’s how you fuck up a whole year. You loan your life to other people, for them to live theirs. I gave up and stopped fighting for what I want, for even searching for what I want. I let negativity and uncertainty fuck with me and own me. God I could endlessly complain about how fucked 2017 was. But fuck that.
Let’s take a look at the best things I did this year.
- I went off social media.
- I didn’t contact my friends anymore; I took other people off my mind.
- I read The Beautiful and Damned while listening to jazz. It helped me romanticize not doing shit rather than beat myself up over it.
- I made an effort to start loving myself, understanding myself, believing in my own judgement.
- Thinking of my boyfriend as the second most important person in my life, after me.
I can say a lot of bullshit about what I wish for 2018. I could stand to lose some weight, exercise, have a healthy relationship to food and alcohol, be a better person. What I actually want is to read more, think more, question more, and trust in myself more.